thoughts upon a virgin watch of jerry macguire 12 years after the fact

November 28, 2008

america america america america

90’s hair.  smoothed out edges.  deep saturated colors muted.  OHAI sfx lettuce facepunch.  jangle guitars and dynamic dialogue edits.  cuba gooding jr. screaming and more screaming.

tom cruise can sell and spit these lines.  as much of a cliche as this must have seemed, the reality following was much more extreme.  cuba would be wearing a platinum chain with his face carved in it these days.  well, maybe 2 years ago.

so this is the kindling for 96, the long acceleration of the bull market.  renee zellweger looks like a human being.  this feels like the segue from the dour early 90s irony into the pop explosions of the high dollar late 90s.  it starts early 90s and ends late 90s.  WERE ALL GONNA GET RICH AND LAID!! HAHA.

this kid.  wow they had to edit the crap out of that to make it seem like tom and him had some kind of connection. 

tom cruise makes a sad john cusack.  cameron crowe makes these serious white middle class movies where the middle class extends its ease all the way from the lowliest single mom with seven jobs to the corporation owner.  they are all middle class.  we are all americans and we all shop at jcrew.  the sunglasses and cellphones are just our cover.  we are one.  united.

always a scene of making a fool of oneself in the road.  ironic music.

say anything was probably the first 90s movie.

this style has no place now.  the editing is too slow, the colors are too muted, the funny isn’t screaming hilarious enough and the poignant isn’t brutal enough.  nobody dies.  nobody is a pedophile.  nobody loses their condo and sleeps in the trash.  everyone wears ll bean.

how would this have felt in 1996?  not for me-i was in an unreachable state.  i would have stabbed someone in the heart for suggesting a trip to this movie.

deep within the clinton years.  nafta and the embargos against iraq.  simmering conflicts that erupted into shootings and bombings to assert our viability as a military world power.

now tom is showing how good he is with the kid.  slow pan in on renee’s face as the eno-ish music swells up.  she can sell this moment a billion times.  brava.  ah it’s a bruce springsteen song.

i don’t know how much more of this i can take.  one hour to go.

big american kiss in front of suburban doorway.  soft back lighting so they glow like la pieta.  laugh laugh.  the restraint of tom cruise.  he always looks like he’s gonna punch someone in the face.  the music, ten years later this would be a band ‘found’ by alex patsavas but i gather it’s score here.  this scene is as bad as watching a slow motion cumshot with big greasy close-up genitals.  thank god that’s over.

tom cruise might be the most awkward person in the world.  do that many women want to have sex with a gay man?  while mingus plays in the background?  yeah tom, better turn it off.

more jcrew.  more flannel.  flannel was where the middle class regains its working class union soul.  it’s pure 90s soul. 

i cant take it any more.  im gonna start saying these lines in pithy situations “SHOW ME THE MONEYS” and “help me… help me…help you”.   just so everyone knows i’m a fucking dickhead.

40 minutes to go.

the guy always talking about jazz was supposed to be me.  That’s me written into this movie.  a little browner and greyer than the others, maybe he’s stoned, always a quote about coltrane.  that’s my archtype in the 90s.  someone’s mother would have seen that movie and said to me “You’re like that guy in jerry macguire! the one who gives jerry the jazz tape!”  yep, that’s me, and thanks for noticing that i represented a subculture that could become a running joke in a hit movie.

i really can’t stand another minute.  but i must soldier through for the sake of my blog.  editing…too…slow…

ok i started playing flash games online.  sorry.  back to work.  how many minutes left…30 FUCK.  i can’t deal.

can’t take it.  can’t take the heat.  now they’ve powdered the fuck out of renee’s face.  the light is pale to reflect the sad dawning of reality.

i apologize for this blog.  this was a bad idea.  i need to take a bath and cry now.  23 minutes left.  can i do it?  will i be in the proud majority of 32 year old white middle class people who have seen this movie?  what constitutes ‘seeing’ a movie, statistically?  does it require fully watching it from start to finish?  can i duck out?

UPPIN THE ANTE with this injury.  19 minutes left.  they did it!  they threw the hail mary!  WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF SOMETHING SO HEARTWARMING HAPPENING?  15 minutes left.  14 minutes left.  13

i have no insights left.  never had any.  i am walking through a desert. 

here’s the big tearful finale.  “YOU COMPLETE ME”  “YOU HAD ME AT HELLO”  ok i had to climb the tree to grab those coconuts.  had to do it.   9 minutes left.  home stretch.  cue the bob dylan and head off into the grassy fields of yore.

i’ve done my time


7 Responses to “thoughts upon a virgin watch of jerry macguire 12 years after the fact”

  1. JonBro Says:

    Epic. Thanks for watching this movie so I don’t have to. Keep up the good work, blog writer being tortured is awesome.

  2. celibacyclub Says:

    somehow im reminded of californication.

    your a good bloger scott, a niche for the long winded but thoroughly intelligent and funny.

  3. astronymous Says:

    i realized this blog was long after i published it. during, it felt like i was writing a word every 14 years. pure torture.

    thanks for the nice compliments:D

  4. beever Says:

    I did the same thing three years ago, watched “Jerry” for the first time… All I can remember now is that Cuba was there to help Tom (and me) with our white guilt. Plus, the feeling that little Lipniki (the most televised 6 year old back then) was doomed. But I was wrong. Lipniki is starring in a new movie with “Bishop” from Aliens. So he’s matured successfully.

  5. astronymous Says:

    lance heinricksen is the gold standard for sure

  6. Utofbu Says:

    I enjoyed this blog.

    I am glad you stopped. because my stomach cramped up from laughing and i peed a little.

  7. T. Golden Says:

    How did you get tricked into watching Jerry McGuire, SB? Man, that movie is so painful, it is like watching Independence Day again. I thought it was complete bull shit that anyone was up for an award for that cliche flick “Jerry.” I remember I took a date to that in 1996, just graduated from LP and was heading to UW. The girl I took loved it. I hated it and never went out with her again. That was the last time I watched it other than the repeated clips over and over and over like a nail in my head. “Show me the money” launches a man’s career? This is a great blog and was hilarious as all hell. Have you seen “Singles” ever/lately. That’s the movie I think of when I think of the 90s.

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